


I've got all my faith in love if you still don't leave

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Cemetery, Character Death, Delusions, Forgiveness, Guilt, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 07:31:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I can forgive you because I know you, Hikaru. I can forgive you because I know how you work, because I know that when you’re blinded by jealousy you don’t think straight. And even though I feel hurt when you say something like that, even though your words make me suffer, it never takes me long to remember that you love me, that you’d never do something to deliberately hurt me.”





	I've got all my faith in love if you still don't leave

Hikaru had been walking for a while now.

Restlessly.

He felt his mind empty, as if he couldn’t think about anything, as if he couldn’t even make an effort to do so.

Next to him, Kei was smiling. And it was all he needed to go on, right now.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked lazily, reaching out a hand that the elder didn’t seem to see.

“That I’m happy, Hikka.” the younger replied, still smiling. “I’m always happy whenever I’m with you, you know that.” he added.

The other bit his lip, then started walking slower.

“I’m sorry about the other night’s fight. I’m sorry I told you I don’t care about you. I... I was just jealous.” he whispered, blushing.

He felt horribly guilty about those words.

He had complained about his boyfriend’s friendship with Yabu, and listening to him answer back had really ticked him off.

He had started screaming, telling him that he was alright with him going to Kota then, if they would've gotten together, even that he loved him, because he didn’t care anymore about what happened to him. That he didn’t care about him.

There Kei had stopped provoking him, and had started crying.

He had started denying, telling him he saw things that didn’t exist, that there was nothing between him and Kota, that he was the only one he could’ve ever loved.

But Hikaru was too far gone, and Kei’s words hadn’t reached him.

So the younger had given up on insisting; still crying, he had grabbed his jacket and had left.

Hikaru had gotten to bed, giving in to sleep, and he had done so with Kei’s crying face still on his mind.

They hadn’t talked about the fight anymore, and now guilt was devouring his soul, it made impossible for him to do anything, it seemed like he couldn’t live with that weight on his chest, with the feeling of pain his own words had caused.

And even apologizing, right now, didn’t seem to be enough.

“It doesn’t matter, Hikka. I know you don’t really mean that, I know you were just mad about me and Kota. There’s no need for you to apologize, I’ve already forgiven you.” he reassured him.

And he seemed sincere.

He seemed sincere because there were no shadows on his face, he seemed sincere because his voice was relaxed, cheerful. Happy, just like he had said he was.

They were walking at a fast pace again, and Hikaru tried to let that peace coming from Kei’s presence surrounding him, but he didn’t seem to be able to.

He still heard his own words echoing through his mind, and right now they seemed to belong to someone else, someone who wasn’t him, because there was no reason in the world why he should’ve told something like that to the person he loved, that he had always loved.

“How do you do that, Kei? How can you forgive me, how can you say it doesn’t matter?” he asked, biting his lip and keeping his eyes low on the sidewalk.

The elder laughed, serene, without any trace of mockery.

“I can forgive you because I know you, Hikaru. I can forgive you because I know how you work, because I know that when you’re blinded by jealousy you don’t think straight. And even though I feel hurt when you say something like that, even though your words make me suffer, it never takes me long to remember that you love me, that you’d never do something to deliberately hurt me.” he paused, looking straight in his eyes. “I can forgive you because I love you. And that’s enough to overcome everything that may happen, all the fights, all your words and the moments where it seems I can’t go on. In those moments I just need to think about all that’s good about you and about our relationship to find the strength to stand up again.” he explained.

Hikaru felt a tear rolling down his face, and rushed to dry it.

Again, he tried to take his hand. And, again, the other didn’t seem to notice.

“I wish I could too, Kei. I wish I could convince myself of the fact that words have no meaning, that out love is enough to go on, that we can be together for all eternity. That... that I can always stand up again, no matter how hard the blow I took.” he said, his voice barely audible. “I wish I wouldn’t feel this pain every time I think about all I put you through, I wish I wouldn’t have nightmares every time we don’t talk, every time I can’t understand you, and I realize that as much as I try I can’t change, I can’t put aside the worst sides of me. And I really wish I could for you, because you’re the most important thing to me. More than my jealousy, more than the little things bothering me, more than my foul moods... to me, all that matters is that you’re happy, and I’d never want to be the one taking that happiness away from you.” he said, feeling another tear, and then another one, and then they were too many for him to dry them all up and he just let them flow, under Inoo’s disapproving stare.

“Don’t cry, Hikka, please. You know I hate to see you cry.” he asked, quietly. “I don’t want you to think about the times you hurt me. I just want you to think about those you make me laugh, when you make me feel good, when you make me feel loved. Because nothing matters but those, you know that, right?” he said, and his smile was enough for Hikaru to lose any will to cry, for his nightmare to suddenly turn into a dream.

All the rest didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter the pain he made him feel.

It didn’t matter that emptiness in the middle of his chest, the one telling him to keep quiet, when he always spoke up.

It didn’t matter how many wounds Kei’s heart bore, it just mattered that then he was able to close them up, to turn them into scars, to let him forget the pain he had felt.

And now, he was glad he had cured the last one.

He was glad, because he knew inside he was never making him suffer again, that his words weren’t going to harm him ever again.

He smiled, looking at his boyfriend again.

He looked more beautiful than usual.

The brightness of the happiness in his eyes seemed enough to light up that darkness inside of Hikaru, so much that he felt he could be happy as well.

He looked around briefly, realizing he had reached his destination.

For the third time he tried to take Kei’s hand; tired of being ignored, he raised an eyebrow.

“Kei, give me your hand please.” he said, not managing to hide the tension.

“You know I can’t, Hikka.” the younger replied, and his smile was resigned now.

Hikaru was about to insist, when the other started talking again.

“I have to go now.” he added, and he hesitated for just a moment before smiling again. “I love you.”

And then he left, and Hikaru felt the void taking a hold of him again.

The instinct told him he should’ve started crying again, but he didn’t.

Because, all in all, he had gotten what he wanted.

He had apologised with Kei. He had heard him tell him he loved him, and had felt more reassured than he could’ve ever hoped.

He had been thinking about nothing else for days, that he wanted to get a chance to tell him how he felt.

It had been since he hadn’t seen him go back home, since his absence had become suffocating, since he had found himself inside that nightmare.

Since he had received the call informing him of what had happened.

And know that he had done that, now that there was nothing left to say between Kei and him, he felt inside a mix of feelings he couldn’t really discern.

There was happiness and emptiness, and both brought with them the presence of the boy, strong, a presence he hoped would never leave him alone.

Feeling tired, all of a sudden, he knelt on the cold and hard floor.

He closed his eyes, imagining his boyfriend could still be next to him, and he actually thought he could still feel him.

But when he opened them again, all he saw was Kei’s grave staring at him.

Everything else disappeared, and there were just that tombstone and his nightmare, which was never going to end.

And again, he cried.


End file.
